Yeah. Me too.
And sometimes I let my disappointment get the best of me and dictate my choices.
Today I was really disappointed about something. I had made big, exciting plans and then they fell through. All day it was like a shadow over my head. I usually don't make plans like this because I'm afraid of disappointment. Ever since I was young, my dad has told me taught my to expect the worst. He said I'd be less disappointed if I didn't get my hopes up about things. Even when I tried out for Blue Band my sophomore year, he told me not to get my hopes up. I had already made it once.
I realize that everyone has faced disappointments in their lives. In high school, I was hurt by my best friend. Ever since then, I have been very reluctant to enter into friendships with women because I don't want to be disappointed again. I find myself having a hard time trusting Tim because of hurts I've faced in past relationships. I've learned to hope for the best and expect the worst.
But sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. The highlights are higher, but the hurts hurt worse. Today was one of those days. The thing I was disappointed about today really wasn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. It was just something that I was really excited about and when it didn't work out, it hurt. I was angry at the people who didn't get as excited about it as I did. And I was disappointed in myself for letting myself get so excited.
I don't know the answer to this problem. Should I let myself get my hopes up? Or should I brace myself every time so that it won't hurt as bad if it doesn't happen? I do know that it's not going to go away. In the midst of a bit of a hopeless despair on my way home from work today, I was reminded that we live in a broken world. Disappointments are a symptom of that brokenness. There is only one person in my life who is never going to disappoint me. His name is Jesus. I've been told this a lot in the last four years. But I just don't know if I truly believe it in my heart. I know that God has promised a life of complete fulfillment, but I'm not ready to make that leap of complete abandonment for Christ. I don't trust that I won't be disappointed. I live my faith like I live every other part of my life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And I know that until I make that leap, I can't experience the lack of disappointment that Christ promises. Vicious circle? I think so.
Goals for the week:
- See what the Bible says about disappointment.
- Don't let small disappointments affect my life, moods or choices.
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